Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to beautiful Tampa, Florida, for today’s special presentation on WHNZ Sports Radio. I’m Howard Michaels, and today we bring you an unprecedented race between the Tortoise and the Hare. The sun is shining with nary a cloud in the sky, and there is a breeze coming in off the gulf. You could not have picked a better day to hold this event, and it will be shown in its entirety on this network, beginning in just a couple minutes.
Today’s race features an interesting mix of opponents, with the Tortoise attempting to outpace the highly favored Hare. The Tortoise, who is crawling for the Motorola team, is a newcomer to professional road racing, with only a few regional victories under his belt. These were mostly races against C and D category racers, and he will face quite a challenge in the Hare, from Team Adidas, who has won a silver medal in Athens, and most recently was named Sports Illustrated’s Rabbit of the Year.
Despite all that, the Tortoise is the clear hometown favorite, born in nearby Bradenton, and currently training in Fort Myers. Spectators have come in large numbers, and I’d say that most of them are wearing green. There seems to be a mix of families here to enjoy the spectacle, as well as hardcore road-running fans.
The course is five kilometers, starting in the heart of downtown Tampa, and ending here where we are at White Pebble Beach. Overall, it’s a pretty flat course, and should keep the competitors somewhat evenly matched. Westshore Boulevard has been closed off in White Pebble Beach, and should set the stage for a scenic and thrilling finish, later today.
The Tortoise and the Hare and taking their final stretches now, and we should be underway shortly. The Tortoise is wearing his green jersey over his shell, with two yellow horizontal stripes at each end, and the Team Motorola insignia in the center. The Hare is wearing his burgundy uniform, with silver piping down each side, and his name in vertically arched lettering on his back, over the Adidas logo in the center.
The spectators are gathering at the metal barricades on the side of the road, and we’re just about ready for the starting gun. The Hare is scratching his ear with his left leg, as is his normal routine before each race. He appears to be taunting his opponent. The Tortoise, for his part, appears to be standing still, perhaps just taking in the scene.
The competitors step up to the finish line, and the race official is getting ready to fire the starting pistol. He fires and we are underway. The Hare gets off to a quick start, running in his unconventional ‘hopping’ method. His front two paws scrape the ground together, and meet the back paws, which he uses to propel himself through the air, and lands on his front legs, to repeat the motion. A few seconds into the race, he is already well ahead of the Tortoise, who is standing still, and appears to still be surveying the scene. Some excited spectators are fervently urging him on. The Hare has turned the first corner and is already out of site of the starting line, and I believe the Tortoise has begun to move. The Motorola fans are cheering for their turtle. He is slowly but steadily making his way into the course.
Meanwhile, the racer from team Adidas is looking over his shoulder, and noticing his sizable lead. He’s reducing his hopping length now, it seems in an effort to conserve energy. Fans on the side of the road are lustily booing him for his reduced effort. Although this is not a particularly long or difficult course, the Hare is not known for his standout endurance. The Hare is a Black-tailed Jackrabbit, classified as a lepus californicus. As his name suggests, he is a native of Los Angeles, California, where he lives during the offseason, and trains in Santa Barbara. Normally, in a team race, his teammates can aid him along the way by clearing the wind for him, or tiring other racers. Unfortunately, he has no such help now, and it appears that he’s losing his composure. He has actually stopped, and is now talking back to the rowdy spectators. Oh my, this could get ugly. He’s hopping towards them now, and I think he’s twitching his ears. A race official has run up to the scene, and is trying to disperse the hecklers. The Hare’s not done, though, and is now scratching his ear. One of the hecklers just threw what looks like a beer can at the Hare, who hopped away nimbly. The official appears to be getting the situation under control, with the assistance of some Tampa police.
In the meantime, the Tortoise has been continuing at a deliberate pace. He has a heartwarming story, the only child of an endangered species. The gopher tortoise, or gopherus polyphemus, it says here, comes from a long lineage of land turtles, which has lived on the Florida peninsula for millions of years. When he was four years out of the egg, the Tortoise’s family was evicted from its home, where Tropicana Stadium was being constructed. The constant moving from habitat to habitat built up his strength and stamina, and he began track training when he was eight. A year later, he cracked his exoskeleton, and was forced to stop training to let it heal. Now he’s all better and running again. His motion is, as I said before, deliberate. Only one leg moves at a time, and it seems that the remaining legs slow him down a little. Regardless, he’s been moving forward consistently, and is almost at the site of the Hare’s fracas. The Hare hopped on a short time ago.
The Hare, once again substantially ahead of his opponent, is slowing up again. He’s stopped now, and is facing a storefront to the side. It appears to be a JP Morgan branch with an electronic stock ticker mounted on the window. I think the Hare is checking his stocks! Oh my! This is either a flagrant case of showboating, or the Hare has been momentarily distracted. No, it seems that he is intently looking at the ticker, looking for something specific. The N’s are rolling past right now. I think I saw Nokia up seventy cents. The Hare is now hopping in place, still looking in the bank window. It looks like a good day on Wall Street, and boy is he happy. And look at that! Here comes the Tortoise around the corner! And the Hare doesn’t even notice him!
Now the Hare sees him, and is once again hopping down the course. It’s a close race, no doubt. We’re almost done; the ocean is in sight. This would be a good time to remind you that today’s race was brought to you by Gatorade, the official sports drink of the Tortoise/Hare 5K. Gatorade: Is it in you?
The Hare has again built a sizable lead, and the Tortoise is not responding. He is continuing the same pace he’s had this entire race. One wonders what the effect of a heavy shell would be during a race like this. It must be grueling. How he is able to keep going, I do not know. Despite his lack of celerity, there is determination in his eyes. His eyes are always on the road, and he has not once stopped to acknowledge his adoring fans. Even if he fails to finish, it has been an uplifting demonstration of the power of spirit and resilience.
Now hold it. We’re just getting reports in that the Hare is not on the race course. We’re now seeing on live camera that he has entered the White Pebble Beach Starbucks, and is now waiting in line. The audacity, the audacity! I cannot believe it. The Tortoise is still progressing forward. What minutes ago seemed like an insurmountable lead has been cut tremendously. Wait. It looks like the Hare is ordering. We do not have audio, but it does appear as if the barista is preparing a venti skim milk double latte with a slice of carrot cake. The Tortoise has now passed the café and is just meters from the finish line. The barista is having a problem with the milk steamer. The Hare is jumping in exasperation. And look at this! The Tortoise has stopped! Oh, now he’s started again. He got his leg caught in a sewer grating, but quickly recovered. Well, quickly is a relative term with this creature. The barista is now carefully shaking chocolate shavings onto the drink. The Hare is now desperately trying to leave, without the drink, and is now giving it his all down the final stretch.
But it’s too late! The Tortoise has crossed the finish line! This is an upset victory for the ages, one that Team Motorola is sure to be proud of for a very long time. He’s being hoisted into the air by his teammates, who were waiting at the finish line. And look at that, in a show of modesty, he’s retreated into his shell. Well folks, I don’t think I’ve seen a race this, maybe ever. It is just fantastic. We’ll have a post-race wrap-up, sponsored by Subway Restaurants, as well as an interview with the winner, right after this commercial break. You’re listening to WHNZ, Tampa sports radio.
