President admits..

...illegal campaign contributions.

Myself (part II)

We walked down the street, with me trying to hide my face in order to avoid the embarrassment of being seen with myself. I could just imagine the response of a passerby: “Look, there’s Bernie! And look! He’s with that loser, Bernie!”

We got to the train station and sat down. As rush hour was just beginning, the station started filling with people.

“Shit,” I said. “Are we in love with the same girl?”

“Probably,” I responded. “We are the same person.”

“Well, this is awkward.”

The weather was typical for an early April day. It was very nice out. Probably in the low 60’s at that early point in the day. The sky couldn’t have been less threatening. Birds were chirping.

The situation was puzzling. This person absolutely was me. Not simply similar to me, but was me. Was me in every conceivable way. Except this guy was concealing a weapon with the presumed intention of inflicting pain on himself, and I was not.

The train pulled into the station. I stood up and motioned for me to get on. I obliged. The train was full. There were no two seats next to each other. Certainly, there were no window seats open. IT was not necessary, though, that the two of me be together. I knew I wouldn’t be running away. And I knew it too. So I sat down in the first empty seat I could find, and I sat down somewhere behind me, out of eyeshot. The train began moving.

its ethan burthday

and have a happy one, good sir!

Money Talks

Hi everyone!

Shameless plug for Dave Barry's newest book. Can't remember the name right now, but it has something to do with money. The title, that is, not the book. Very funny, typical Dave stuff, and of course, mandatory pictures of Donald Trump. Lots of 'em. And obligatory jokes about Strom Thurmond. (Before death)

Sorry I haven't updated recently, it's been busy in here (my mind) lately. Talk to you all soon!

~Dave

PS. Ragtime parts were posted. Can't remember who's who, plus I don't know the show. All I can remember is that Rachel Kaplan got the lead, as did Jon Turner and Ira Blum. Dunno the rest.

Totally random wikipedia entry of the day

Heavy metal umlaut.

its bernie burthday

yay woohoo, lets all mail bernie postcards because he will like getting mail. the inventor of bonk is like havin a birthday, this is a great moment in history.

Myself (a work of fiction) (part I)

It happened in the wee early hours of the morning that I was abducted… by myself. I must confess some surprise when I was jolted awake by the site of myself entering my bedroom. He said to me—no—I said to me (I fear this may become quite confusing), “Get up, you’re coming with me,” which was strange; I’d never referred to myself in the second person before. I seemed to be concealing some sort of weapon, so I did not object. This had potential to be the strangest case of suicide ever.

It was early, so I was tired, and wasn’t moving incredibly quickly. As I disembarked from my bed, I looked out of the window. The sun had just come up. The light shone horizontally through the window, casting a bright light on the wall opposite the window.

I then remembered that I had left my baseball bat and glove at the base off my bed the night before. It would not be difficult for me to reach down, grab the bat, and attack my abductor. But no, I’d never do anything to hurt myself.

I must confess a great amount of confusion at this time. I was entirely unsure of how I could possibly be in two places at once. Additionally, I had no idea what I was thinking. As I already wrote, I would never do anything to hurt myself. So what could I possibly be doing then? The whole situation was very confusing to me.

I also found it confusing that I was talking to myself. A sane person until now, this was not something I was known to do. I considered asking me some questions, but it seemed to me a very strange thing to do, to ask a question to myself.

Vocal communication was remarkably unnecessary from that point forward. I knew that I’d allow myself to get dressed, and I did so accordingly, and as expected, I had no objections. I followed myself down the stairs and out the door. I knew where I was going to take me.

(More tomorrow...)

letterman

there was just a top 10 of things peter griffin would like to say to america, and they had an animated griffin say each of the top 10 on cbs- it was great. and how cbs got the rights to a FOX characted i dont know. u can find them at the site sometime soon:

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive_February2006.shtml

avinoo kyoo

my roomate of all people is goin to NY to see avenue Q. he has no idea what it is but he got tickets and he should like it. sheesh avenue Q is not that popular, but it really should be since its so very funny.

Lady and Gentlemen...

It's official. All blog readers are now contributors. I'm pleased to introduce the Susan B. Anthony of bonkdom, Marnee Klein.

Mutiny

I have joined this blog for the express purpose of gaining nicknames for all the contributors on the main page. I hereby nominate Ethan for the express task, re: my crack comment.

Oh yeah, and also for the purpose of making fun of Bernie. Duh.

Matt, you never told us...

... about this.

Lady and Gentlemen

We have a new contributor: the one and only Jon Rubin, who's been stalking us for quite some time. As a condition for joining the blog, he has agreed to eat a live gerbil.

Finally!

So, after way too damn long, Bernie finally figured out that sending the invite for me to post to my school email would work when my aol account wasn't. And so I can finally post here. That is all.

hours

next term the drexile library will go from bein open till midnight, to bein open till 2 am, as an experiment. also during finals it'll close even later. it should be open 24 hours then but it'll be hard to pull. its a great idea that should stick since dorms can be really frikin noisy when people r tryin to study u annoying people who dont respect us studiers.

Okay, maybe not

Although no final decision has been made, I've decided to reconsider my previously announced plan to kick all the contributors off the blog. I will, however, kick one person off: myself. No, I'm just kidding. But that got you for a second.

Sorry, guys

I think I'm going to make some format changes to this blog. Namely, I think I'm going to kick all you contributors off. You've all been great, and this decision was not an easy one. Furthermore, I will gladly set up and host on this site a blog for each of you who would like one (or, alternatively, a blog for groups of you; for instance, who wouldn't be captivated by the possibilities of an Ethan/Matt blog?). But I think I would like to take full editorial control over this one.
Feel free to submit your responses to this in a non-confrontational manner (i.e. not "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!").

College Moment

You know you're in a liberal northeastern college when you're in class criticizing John D. Rockefeller in a building named after him.

dingle-huh?

It was a joke, we were making fun of conservative and there were problems with the votes... so after the contests was over and I lost, I declaired a recount because I most definately won the popular vote and I am stubborn (get it now) [jokes are never as funny if you need to explain them]

dingleberrys

i want matts message deleted because it makes no sense and bernies link is hands down really funny and beats all ur stupid limericks.

OVER!?

I want a recount!

Contest Over

It might not be a limerick, but this wins, hands down.

There Once Was a...

There once was a man named Bush
He likes to sit on his tush
He’s a lazy ass
He’s obsessed with gas
And now our country’s fucked mush

There once was a guy with a stirrup
Iraq, he loved to blow up
He’s full of Crap
He loves to nap
In 00 McCain should have beat up

There once was a Rebbe
Neither Ortho nor shmageggi
He like the middle
He's fond of the fiddle
So he formed conserv to be free

BEAT THAT BERNARD, MUU HAAA HAAA HAAA HOOO HOOO HAAA!!!!!!!
(no you idiot, it is ment to be an evil laugh)

Limerick Contest

Introducing the first ever *bonk* Limerick Contest. The challenge is to write limmericks based on the following theme: conservative ideology. It can be streightforward, it can contain subtle jabs, or it can be outright parody. I've written two to get the ball rolling:

There was once a candidate named Platte,
Who befriended some cats who were fat.
"Internal revenue progressive
Is much too oppressive,
We need here a tax that is flat."

A man from his employment was canned,
On his feet he feared he'd not land.
"A job you'll be be with,"
Said a man Adam Smith,
"Just look for the invisible hand!"

Winter Olympics

Little known fact: Turin, site of the 2006 Winter Olympic Games, is the birthplace of acclaimed scientist Amadeo Avagadro.

NBA or NFL?????

36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71, repeat 71, cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The samegroup of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each yeardesigned to keep the rest of us in line.

Rejected!

Introducing new section to this site: Rejected!
I feel as if the first rejection letters a person sees shouldn't be his or her own. So here you go, high school seniors of the world, none of which read this blog. You can thank me later.

Matthew E. Dorsch

You have surprised me.

O is for Occasional

They changed the words to “C” is for cookie. It now is “C is for Cookie, an occasional snack for me.” Hmmm…

pour on the quotes

from econ class
Student: Why did you come to Drexel
Mark Stehr: They offered me a job... I didn' want to go to North West Nebraska where people fight off coyotes or whatever they do.

Stehr (and this is coming from nowhere): Did you hear cookie monster now has to eat his vegetables before cookies. He's not cookie monster anymore, he's cookie middle aged housewife.

Surprise me

Request: I want someone to surprise me. Not startle me. Not like "BOO!" I mean do or say (most likely say) something relevant and unexpected. To be clear: I'm not looking for random. Today I had an exchange with Michael in which we sent each other text messages quoting "I Feel Pretty". That's random and amusing... but not what I'm looking for. Surprising is when the governor of New Jersey announces that he's resigning because of a gay affair. It's gray outside. It's cold. It's dreary. Every day is the same. I need something surprising.

Example of recent surprise: when I got a postcard from Mr. Mellits. Totally out of the blue. Sorry Matt, it's not going to be a surprise when I get your postcard, because you've been asking me for the past week "have you gotten my postcard yet???"